How To Feel Alive

In my previous post I mentioned the yearning to feel alive again, and last night it suddenly came to me that I experience special moments every day that make me feel alive.

These moments are nothing grand; they don't need to involve a holiday on a tropical island or passionate intimacy with a transient lover.

No, most of these moments I experience on my own, sometimes with family or friends.

The trick is to be more aware of them, mindfully going about my daily business and recognising those precious moments popping up like little miracles:

• that delicious cup of coffee after lunch warming my hands
• the robins building their nest in the ivy on the house wall again
• the next door neighbour's cat watching but thankfully forever out of reach
• the new exciting project I'm working on
• having great conversations with friends Friday night in the local pub
• the first warm days of Spring
• the brisk, solitary walk in the park
• making an apple crumble and mixing the dough with my hands
• I managed to crochet my first hat and it looks fab
• my son coming home from school in the afternoon
• candlelight in the evening while watching a great movie
• listening to the song Happy by Pharrell Williams on the radio - great song, awesome video:

Some of these moments repeat, and new ones are experienced every day. They may be ordinary, but they are also magical at the same time. It's just a matter of mindfulness and perception.

What are your ordinary magical moments that make you feel alive?

Happy Belated Birthday To Me

Making the most of what life throws at me is one of my rules of survival.

Giving up isn't an option, although over the past twelve months I sometimes thought that if I died the next day, it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

But of course it would be for my son and immediate family, so I stop being dramatic and selfish and make the most of the lemons thrown at me.

On the 23rd February I turned 50. Two weeks before, my boyfriend left me.

He was supposed to take me away for my birthday, and I found myself wondering, how and with whom I would spend the day I officially turn middle-aged.

Very kindly, my ex hubby stepped in and booked us into a luxury hotel for a few days. We went with his mum and our son and had a fantastic time.

I didn't miss the man, who hurt me, but of course the pain of abandonment was present. I soothed myself with the pool, the gym, some spa treatments and delicious food and drink...most of all the company of my family.

Sounds quite cute actually.. I imagine cats doing
silly things in there...

The hotel was located in Blackpool overlooking the beach and the Irish sea.

I've never been to Blackpool before, and I must say have no intention ever to return. It's littered with amusement arcades, seedy bars and shabby little hotels to accommodate the thousands of weekend revellers flocking to the place for their own surreal version of entertainment.

The Imperial Hotel we stayed at was an oasis in the desert, a real treat. I probably had a much better time there with my family than if I'd spent it with my boyfriend.

You need a good sense of humour for Blackpool

Sometimes things are meant to be put right. Deep down I knew that celebrating my 50th birthday with a man I hardly knew was so wrong.

Instead, it was right to spend the day with the people that matter the most to me, including my ex, who is also my best friend despite everything we've been through.

I still regard us as a family, the family with two households. We didn't opt for the messy divorce, and our son is happily floating between two homes, enjoying two very different worlds and both his parents always present.

So, everything is organised and worked through. I had a great birthday considering the circumstances. Life goes on. I am blessed with loved ones, comfort and security (for now). Other people are worse off and going through darker times than me.

And yet, despite my privileged position there is that darkness inside me. And I keep going, searching for something that makes me feel alive again.

Right now I'm dealing with my pain, setting it free to liberate the woman to come. Looking myself straight in the eye at my darkest moment — and still saying yes to the person I am.

I've come a long way. I should feel settled and at ease. Instead, I feel insecure and vulnerable. But looking back at my life, I've also experienced much happiness and accomplishments.

Happy Birthday to me. Here's to the next 50 years.