Dating Tip: Why You Need To Talk About Sex

Oh dear, I'm mentioning sex again, even though I don't want to, but I feel I have to...

You see, my recent dating adventure has made me think.

I have realised that often the main reason, why relationships fail in their early stages is because people don't talk about their sexual preferences before they jump into bed together.

Now, I recently met this really nice guy, and we got on so well together. We went for meals, for walks in the countryside, on a night out...we held hands...and then he asked:

"What do you like in bed?"

I responded with an embarrassed giggle despite my age, but I did manage to come up with some suggestions on how he could make me happy in bed.

And then it was his turn to tell me...

Saying that I was disappointed would be an understatement.

Needless to say we realised that despite enjoying each other's company on a social level, we were sexually incompatible.

*Sigh*

At least I found out before anything else happened, and I learned a useful lesson in the process.

Until this moment, I had naively assumed that when you are attracted to each other and get on well together, everything will work fine in the bedroom department, too.

Wrong.

It might be embarrassing, strange or awkward, but it is important to talk about sex with your date before it happens, if you feel it's going into that direction.

Especially women need to overcome their shyness and be open and frank about it, otherwise they will just get hurt.

It's all well and good enjoying each other's company, but sexual compatibility is equally important, otherwise the relationship won't last long.

So, here's my advice:

find out about what the other likes in bed before you let them close. This way you save yourself a lot of heartache.

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A New Direction - Solitude

“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. 

In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with, because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. 

I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." 
I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. 

You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" 

Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. 

Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!”
- Charles Bukowski

A few months ago I met a man just like Charles Bukowski. We went on a few dates together, but nothing more developed, until I reached crisis point and felt the urge to contact him.

I don't know why I chose him to help me lift myself up again, but I'm glad I did.

So far, he has been the only one, who didn't pounce on me, pursued me, lied to me and made empty promises to win me over. He has never - and I know he won't ever - treat me like a conquest. 

I simply feel safe with him as a friend.

Within only a short time, he changed my perception and attitude towards solitude and being consciously single rather than throwing myself into doomed love affairs. 

For the first time after two years of drifting, I'm feeling quite content.

The realisation that you need to be entirely happy on your own, being your own best friend and loving every minute of it can only come from within. You need to feel it rather than being told by others.

Sometimes, a special person helps you make that shift, not by telling you to do it, but by making you feel it. 

It can be just a brief encounter that changes everything, and the transformation begins...

When To Start Dating Again After A Breakup

The ending of a relationship always causes emotional upheaval, from initial shock and disbelief to anger, depression and finally acceptance.

It depends on the individual, how long it takes to overcome the heartbreak, and in the initial stage of healing it is advisable, not to rush into a new relationship only to avoid feeling alone or fulfilling the need to be loved.

This knee-jerk reaction will most likely lead to more emotional turmoil later, so it's best avoided, when you still feel raw.

First, give yourself some time to get used to your new single status and learn to be happy on your own again. This could take a few weeks or perhaps even months, but it is important you take the time you need to get to the stage, where you feel reasonably content with your situation.

Even at this point, you may not yet be ready to embark on a serious relationship again, but perhaps you are ready to date and meet new people, initially for friendship only.

Take it slowly, get to know people and let them know your intention, so they are clear about where they stand. If there is someone amongst them, who is really interested in you, then they are prepared to wait until you're ready.

You will need time to learn to trust again, especially when you were let down by your previous partner. After all, you don't want to experience another relationship disaster so soon after the last one.

You can never be sure what the future holds with someone, but things look good, if the new person is

• always keeping in touch with you regularly and is reliable
• keen to spend as much time with you as possible 
• happy to introduce you to their circle of friends
• readily sharing personal information with you about family, work, past relationships etc.
• communicates clearly and isn't evasive
• showing that they care with little acts of affection

Looking for the good signs and experiencing them for a while will help you lower your risk of another disappointment.

Personally, I'm off on my first date on Sunday, nearly two months after my last breakup-nightmare. I have no intention to throw myself into a new relationship any time soon, but perhaps there is potential for the future.

He seems a great guy on paper, and I'm completely open-minded without any big expectations.

I actually do enjoy being on my own right now and feel liberated from the neediness of being in a relationship.

When I meet him, I'll just enjoy the time chatting, drinking coffee and getting to know him. And perhaps we'll meet again. Who knows?

This time, I'm determined to take it slow, and I'll make sure he knows that. If he doesn't like it, then that's tough for him, but not for me.

Hey girl, when you feel ready, you go for it.

Enjoy meeting new people, make new friends and have an interesting social life without emotional entanglement.

It's all part of the healing process. It builds confidence and self-esteem.

And one day, as if by magic and without trying hard, you know you are ready to be in love again, and it just feels right, when you meet someone new.

Happy Belated Birthday To Me

Making the most of what life throws at me is one of my rules of survival.

Giving up isn't an option, although over the past twelve months I sometimes thought that if I died the next day, it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

But of course it would be for my son and immediate family, so I stop being dramatic and selfish and make the most of the lemons thrown at me.

On the 23rd February I turned 50. Two weeks before, my boyfriend left me.

He was supposed to take me away for my birthday, and I found myself wondering, how and with whom I would spend the day I officially turn middle-aged.

Very kindly, my ex hubby stepped in and booked us into a luxury hotel for a few days. We went with his mum and our son and had a fantastic time.

I didn't miss the man, who hurt me, but of course the pain of abandonment was present. I soothed myself with the pool, the gym, some spa treatments and delicious food and drink...most of all the company of my family.

Sounds quite cute actually.. I imagine cats doing
silly things in there...

The hotel was located in Blackpool overlooking the beach and the Irish sea.

I've never been to Blackpool before, and I must say have no intention ever to return. It's littered with amusement arcades, seedy bars and shabby little hotels to accommodate the thousands of weekend revellers flocking to the place for their own surreal version of entertainment.

The Imperial Hotel we stayed at was an oasis in the desert, a real treat. I probably had a much better time there with my family than if I'd spent it with my boyfriend.

You need a good sense of humour for Blackpool

Sometimes things are meant to be put right. Deep down I knew that celebrating my 50th birthday with a man I hardly knew was so wrong.

Instead, it was right to spend the day with the people that matter the most to me, including my ex, who is also my best friend despite everything we've been through.

I still regard us as a family, the family with two households. We didn't opt for the messy divorce, and our son is happily floating between two homes, enjoying two very different worlds and both his parents always present.

So, everything is organised and worked through. I had a great birthday considering the circumstances. Life goes on. I am blessed with loved ones, comfort and security (for now). Other people are worse off and going through darker times than me.

And yet, despite my privileged position there is that darkness inside me. And I keep going, searching for something that makes me feel alive again.

Right now I'm dealing with my pain, setting it free to liberate the woman to come. Looking myself straight in the eye at my darkest moment — and still saying yes to the person I am.

I've come a long way. I should feel settled and at ease. Instead, I feel insecure and vulnerable. But looking back at my life, I've also experienced much happiness and accomplishments.

Happy Birthday to me. Here's to the next 50 years.

The Point of Enough is Enough

"If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"

James Gandolfini asked Julia Roberts this question in The Mexican, a zany and at times surreal gangster comedy road movie, which I watched and enjoyed the other day.

Julia Roberts couldn't offer a satisfactory answer, and I was wondering, too.

Later in the film, when she reunited with her screen boyfriend Brad Pitt, she asked him the same question.

He answered without hesitation and if it was the most normal thing to say: "Never."

And that's probably the simple truth. As long as there is love between two people, even if they split up for some reason, it's never really over.

What would your answer be? 


And you can watch that scene here:

How To Get Over a Breakup

I'm not the sort of person, who floats from one relationship to the next. I was married for 20 years and had a 3-year relationship afterwards.

Recently I was planning to settle down with a really nice guy (so I thought) for the rest of my life (at least that's my sincere intention when I start a relationship with someone).

But it wasn't meant to be. Dumped out of the blue, I had to start dealing with those terrible feelings of loss and hurt.

Although I'm stilling going through the motions, I'm no longer hurting as bad as I did two weeks ago.

And if you're wondering, how you will overcome the pain or if it will ever go away, then let me reassure you that you will get better, and you will be happy again.

First of all, don't ever beg him to stay or come back to you. Trust me, it's not attractive. Keep your dignity. Let him go.

Then, you need to be patient with yourself. Those painful feelings and depressive thoughts are normal in the circumstances.

Don't suppress your feelings. If you need to cry, have a good one. Let it out. I cried a whole day a few days after he left me, and afterwards I started to feel better.

Don't remember the good times you had with him. Instead, remember him for the fact he hurt you. Remember what you didn't like about him, and soon you'll realise it was for the best.

You will still experience the odd bad day, which is normal. Just keep being patient with yourself.

Talk about it with friends.

Practice self-care. Try not to drown your sorrows in alcohol and chocolate. Have some spa treatments instead.

Be optimistic about new possibilities. You will meet someone new, who will be right for you. You will love again, and it will be better than before.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You can reflect on why it went wrong, and you can learn from it, but don't ponder for too long. You need to put closure on it and move on.

Whatever you do, make sure it's nurturing and healing.

Don't get in touch with him. Delete him from your contacts and social media accounts.

He will never be your friend. Would you really want to be friends with someone, who rejected you and hurt you like this?

At one point, you will feel anger towards him, which will help your recovery. But don't be tempted to badmouth him or try to take some kind of vengeance. Your reputation will suffer (that bitter and twisted cow), and it really isn't worth your while.

Use your anger in a creative and healing way: go jogging, work out in the gym, dance, write a poem, create a clay sculpture of how you'd want him to look...

Maybe you're thinking that I'm making it sound easy, but trust me, I know how much a breakup sucks.

I also know that life goes on, and it's a more pleasant experience, when you are determined to enjoy it.

Always remember, that you will be happy again. Don't let this breakup defeat you.

And if you have more tips to share about how to heal from a breakup, please let me know. 

Let's Get This Midlife Party Started

Just over two weeks ago I turned 50.

Although I saw that one coming, it still came as a shock.

My current situation doesn't make it any better.

A few days before Valentine's Day, my boyfriend broke up with me all of a sudden. Just like that.

Had no idea he was that unhappy with me. After all, it was early days. We just got together six weeks before, and it seemed to go well.

He never said anything until he ended it.

Stupid.

Before that, my marriage of 20 years broke down in 2011, and for some reason I managed to get entangled in a stormy relationship that left me feeling drained from too much tension and drama.

Right now I'm feeling alone and pissed off whilst experiencing some ridiculous menopausal symptoms, which started a week ago.

They say it doesn't rain, it pours.

Dammit.

Where do I go from here?

I have no effing idea. Let's find out, shall we?

One step at a time. One blog post at a time.

My mission: 

• to make the most of what life throws at me on the road to getting old
• to overcome my insecurities
• not to give up
• to be happy despite all the shit that happens
• to find new love
• to embrace change and uncertainty
• to ask questions and explore the answers
• to be comfortable in my own skin

Now I'm 50.

I face the music and dance.

And you, dear Reader, come dance with me.