“There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human - in not having to be just happy or just sad - in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.”
- C. JoyBell C.
My life hasn't exactly been plain sailing in recent years. Not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.
I wonder what it would be like, if I was still living with my husband, slowly decaying in a stifling marital routine, compared to the emotional roller coaster ride of exhilarating ups and downs.
Exchanging the reassuring security and predictability of a
comfort zone for an adventure into the magical realm of the unknown has come at a price.
Questions like
"Is this it?" have been replaced by
"What now?" and
"Where do I go from here?"
I traded boredom, resentment and staleness for emotional upheaval, insecurities and doubt. But I also gained liberation, independence and authenticity along the way. It's not all bad.
I even found new love and subsequently lost it again. Unexpected and painful. I have learned quite a few
lessons in love over the last three years.
Learning your life lessons; they call it "growth". I don't think I've learned life lessons with so much awareness and mindfulness before I got to my mid forties.
Is life becoming more intense when you grow older?
Most of the time I'm a happy-go-lucky person enjoying my new found circle of friends, social life and the work I do. But then those moments of overwhelming sadness and despair overcome me.
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”
- Mahatma Gandhi
Feelings of loss, grief and anxiety. Fear of loneliness and illness and losing a loved-one. Clearly there is unfinished business I still need to resolve.
People are quick to advise taking medication, but I decline. For me it's not just a quick hollow fix, but I also feel I'd be cheating myself.
Millions of people are on anti-depressants, and while I do believe that many do need to be on them for clinical reasons, others are taking them merely to
numb life.
Yes,
it's so hard to feel emotional pain and discomfort. Popping pills because a lover left me, or because I still miss my husband at times....NO.
I choose to feel every aspect of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And I've noticed that I have become stronger. Rather than crumbling emotionally after my recent
dating disaster, I felt more detached and at ease.
It's perfectly okay to experience these kinds of hiccups, getting to know the nature of people without turning it into a drama or taking it personally. Rather than mortified, I was fascinated and watched in wonder the situation unfolding in front of me.
Anti-depressants can easily become just another kind of comfort zone, and many people are lost in that medically induced
Matrix.
“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
- Jonathan Safran Foer
I choose to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and feel the magic happen. Slowly but surely.
Just like any other roller coaster ride, this one will also ease eventually.
“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance.”
- Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now
