A New Direction - Solitude

“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. 

In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with, because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. 

I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." 
I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. 

You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" 

Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. 

Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!”
- Charles Bukowski

A few months ago I met a man just like Charles Bukowski. We went on a few dates together, but nothing more developed, until I reached crisis point and felt the urge to contact him.

I don't know why I chose him to help me lift myself up again, but I'm glad I did.

So far, he has been the only one, who didn't pounce on me, pursued me, lied to me and made empty promises to win me over. He has never - and I know he won't ever - treat me like a conquest. 

I simply feel safe with him as a friend.

Within only a short time, he changed my perception and attitude towards solitude and being consciously single rather than throwing myself into doomed love affairs. 

For the first time after two years of drifting, I'm feeling quite content.

The realisation that you need to be entirely happy on your own, being your own best friend and loving every minute of it can only come from within. You need to feel it rather than being told by others.

Sometimes, a special person helps you make that shift, not by telling you to do it, but by making you feel it. 

It can be just a brief encounter that changes everything, and the transformation begins...

The Wanderess

Freedom and independence go hand in hand with longing and uncertainty. 

When I feel the freedom and independence, it's exhilarating happiness.

When I feel the longing and uncertainty, it's brooding despair.

Balancing both extremes in a healing way takes all my strength and resilience, but after 20 years of stasis, it feels like an awakening.

It's like living on the edge: it's perilous, but the view is breathtaking.

Blue Moments

“There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human - in not having to be just happy or just sad - in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.”
- C. JoyBell C.

My life hasn't exactly been plain sailing in recent years. Not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.

I wonder what it would be like, if I was still living with my husband, slowly decaying in a stifling marital routine, compared to the emotional roller coaster ride of exhilarating ups and downs.

Exchanging the reassuring security and predictability of a comfort zone for an adventure into the magical realm of the unknown has come at a price.

Questions like "Is this it?" have been replaced by "What now?" and "Where do I go from here?"

I traded boredom, resentment and staleness for emotional upheaval, insecurities and doubt. But I also gained liberation, independence and authenticity along the way. It's not all bad.

I even found new love and subsequently lost it again. Unexpected and painful. I have learned quite a few lessons in love over the last three years.

Learning your life lessons; they call it "growth".  I don't think I've learned life lessons with so much awareness and mindfulness before I got to my mid forties.

Is life becoming more intense when you grow older?

Most of the time I'm a happy-go-lucky person enjoying my new found circle of friends, social life and the work I do. But then those moments of overwhelming sadness and despair overcome me.

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” 
- Mahatma Gandhi

Feelings of loss, grief and anxiety. Fear of loneliness and illness and losing a loved-one. Clearly there is unfinished business I still need to resolve.

People are quick to advise taking medication, but I decline. For me it's not just a quick hollow fix, but I also feel I'd be cheating myself.

Millions of people are on anti-depressants, and while I do believe that many do need to be on them for clinical reasons, others are taking them merely to numb life.

Yes, it's so hard to feel emotional pain and discomfort. Popping pills because a lover left me, or because I still miss my husband at times....NO.

I choose to feel every aspect of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And I've noticed that I have become stronger. Rather than crumbling emotionally after my recent dating disaster, I felt more detached and at ease.

It's perfectly okay to experience these kinds of hiccups, getting to know the nature of people without turning it into a drama or taking it personally. Rather than mortified, I was fascinated and watched in wonder the situation unfolding in front of me.

Anti-depressants can easily become just another kind of comfort zone, and many people are lost in that medically induced Matrix.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
- Jonathan Safran Foer

I choose to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and feel the magic happen. Slowly but surely.
Just like any other roller coaster ride, this one will also ease eventually.

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance.”
- Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now

Resilience

Keep going - embracing the Unknown

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. 

You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.” 

- Elizabeth Edwards


“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. 

And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. 

What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.” 

- Steve Goodier