Why Dating A Married Man Is Not A Good Idea

As you know from my previous post, I've started dating again after my breakup back in February.

Meeting men online is easy, but before I meet anyone of them face-to-face, they need to pass my correspondence test:

• If their spelling and grammar is bad, or they can only string a few words together in a message using "txt spk", then I'm not interested.
• Contents of their messages is also key - being polite, open and expressing compassion and genuine interest are important indications to whether these men are honest and worth meeting in person.
• And then of course, their reliability is reflected in how quickly they reply and how often and regularly they get in touch.

So, I've been dating one of these men, who passed my initial test, and I have really enjoyed my time with him.

Nothing more than holding hands and the odd kiss happened, as I was still figuring him out. And to get to know him better, I decided to visit him at his house for a cup of afternoon tea.

So glad I did. As soon as I walked into his living room, I knew he was still married and living with his family. Rather than being worried about falling into the hands of a serial killer, I nearly fell for a married man, a cheat.

He quickly admitted that he was lying on his dating profile, and also added that he was so unhappy in his marriage.

Thank the Gods I wasn't in love with him. I can only imagine the terrible dilemma women must be facing in this position being hopelessly in love with such a man.

Of course, the most sensible thing to do is to walk away from such a relationship before it's even started, and trust me, I've already turned my back on it for the following reasons:

• I don't want to be the "other woman" he can play around with
• his family will always come first (quite rightly so), and he could dump me at any moment
• I don't want to be a home wrecker and hurt innocent people (his family) in the process
• he will never leave his family, and I would never want that anyway
• I want a genuine, honest relationship with no secrets like that

Rather than blowing my top because of his deceit, I advised him to have a chat with his wife and start sorting out his marriage. He certainly won't find a solution for his marital issues in my bed.

This has also made me wonder, how to spot a married man on a dating website. Here's what I've noticed:

• they are looking for "casual relationship" as well as "serious relationship". That's a suspicious contradiction; you either want something casual or something serious. If you're serious, you don't want anything casual.
• they like to contact women, who live further away, as they want to keep the affair as far away from their home as possible.
• they don't tend to put many photos of themselves on the dating website out of fear they could be recognised by someone, who knows them

So, girlfriend, be careful out there. Don't even consider becoming a mistress and emotionally vulnerable to the whims of a man, who cheats on his wife. 

You deserve so much better.

Have you ever been involved with a married man? Share your story. I'd love to hear from you.

Good Read!

“How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode.” 

― W. Somerset Maugham, The Painted Veil


“The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone, and that's exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn't deserve that love.”
― Anirban Bose, Bombay Rains, Bombay Girls


“A love affair is like a short story--it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning was easy, the middle might drag, invaded by commonplace, but the end, instead of being decisive and well knit with that element of revelatory surprise as a well-written story should be, it usually dissipated in a succession of messy and humiliating anticlimaxes.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some Thoughts On Dating In Your 50s

I have noticed that women in their fifties often feel insecure about their age. They are wondering, if they are too old to go out dating.

Personally, I believe that it is never too late to go out and create the (love) life you desire.

You may be riddled with self-doubt, when you find yourself single again in your midlife years, but remember, there are also many men in your situation looking for new and lasting love.

It's simply a question of getting up, brushing yourself off and going out there to meet new people.

Before you make that conscious decision to find a new partner, you need to ensure that you are happy and content on your own. 

A good social circle helps, hobbies and interests you pursue in a group with like-minded souls, but also enjoying your own company in solitude at home.

I also cannot stress enough, how important it is to practice self-care. This includes a healthy diet, plenty of exercise and wearing clothes that make you feel good about yourself. 

Also, follow a beauty regime that takes into account your skin's condition, so you can counteract the ageing process as best as you can. You may need to change your skin care products, which you have been using for years; they might no longer be effective. You could ask a beautician or dermatologist for advice.

Dating in your fifties can be great fun. At your age you have experience, people knowledge, hopefully you are reasonably financially secure and independent. Even a child at home (my son is 14) should not be an obstacle. I've made sure, my son's father is doing his fair share of child-minding.

When you start looking for a new partner, don't get disheartened, if no one suitable crosses your path straight away. It takes time and patience. In my experience only about 1% of men on internet dating sites are worth meeting, and even when I do meet them, they're not necessarily knocking my socks off.

But I've been on two dates, and I'm happy to meet both again, although I doubt it will lead to anything more serious.

The reason, why I'll be meeting them again is that they're both such nice guys, I really did enjoy their company, and perhaps one of them will win my heart after all.

It can be scary and unsettling meeting men - strangers - on a date. You never know what to expect, but so far I've come to realise that most men also want the same as I do, i.e. finding someone to love.

There's nothing sinister about people, once you meet them in the flesh. But of course, it's always important to keep things safe and in public until you feel you can trust them.

Overall, dating in your fifties can be great fun and help you raise your confidence, self-esteem and find new love and companionship eventually.

You're NOT too old, NOT over the hill and it's NOT too late.

When To Start Dating Again After A Breakup

The ending of a relationship always causes emotional upheaval, from initial shock and disbelief to anger, depression and finally acceptance.

It depends on the individual, how long it takes to overcome the heartbreak, and in the initial stage of healing it is advisable, not to rush into a new relationship only to avoid feeling alone or fulfilling the need to be loved.

This knee-jerk reaction will most likely lead to more emotional turmoil later, so it's best avoided, when you still feel raw.

First, give yourself some time to get used to your new single status and learn to be happy on your own again. This could take a few weeks or perhaps even months, but it is important you take the time you need to get to the stage, where you feel reasonably content with your situation.

Even at this point, you may not yet be ready to embark on a serious relationship again, but perhaps you are ready to date and meet new people, initially for friendship only.

Take it slowly, get to know people and let them know your intention, so they are clear about where they stand. If there is someone amongst them, who is really interested in you, then they are prepared to wait until you're ready.

You will need time to learn to trust again, especially when you were let down by your previous partner. After all, you don't want to experience another relationship disaster so soon after the last one.

You can never be sure what the future holds with someone, but things look good, if the new person is

• always keeping in touch with you regularly and is reliable
• keen to spend as much time with you as possible 
• happy to introduce you to their circle of friends
• readily sharing personal information with you about family, work, past relationships etc.
• communicates clearly and isn't evasive
• showing that they care with little acts of affection

Looking for the good signs and experiencing them for a while will help you lower your risk of another disappointment.

Personally, I'm off on my first date on Sunday, nearly two months after my last breakup-nightmare. I have no intention to throw myself into a new relationship any time soon, but perhaps there is potential for the future.

He seems a great guy on paper, and I'm completely open-minded without any big expectations.

I actually do enjoy being on my own right now and feel liberated from the neediness of being in a relationship.

When I meet him, I'll just enjoy the time chatting, drinking coffee and getting to know him. And perhaps we'll meet again. Who knows?

This time, I'm determined to take it slow, and I'll make sure he knows that. If he doesn't like it, then that's tough for him, but not for me.

Hey girl, when you feel ready, you go for it.

Enjoy meeting new people, make new friends and have an interesting social life without emotional entanglement.

It's all part of the healing process. It builds confidence and self-esteem.

And one day, as if by magic and without trying hard, you know you are ready to be in love again, and it just feels right, when you meet someone new.

How To Feel Alive

In my previous post I mentioned the yearning to feel alive again, and last night it suddenly came to me that I experience special moments every day that make me feel alive.

These moments are nothing grand; they don't need to involve a holiday on a tropical island or passionate intimacy with a transient lover.

No, most of these moments I experience on my own, sometimes with family or friends.

The trick is to be more aware of them, mindfully going about my daily business and recognising those precious moments popping up like little miracles:

• that delicious cup of coffee after lunch warming my hands
• the robins building their nest in the ivy on the house wall again
• the next door neighbour's cat watching but thankfully forever out of reach
• the new exciting project I'm working on
• having great conversations with friends Friday night in the local pub
• the first warm days of Spring
• the brisk, solitary walk in the park
• making an apple crumble and mixing the dough with my hands
• I managed to crochet my first hat and it looks fab
• my son coming home from school in the afternoon
• candlelight in the evening while watching a great movie
• listening to the song Happy by Pharrell Williams on the radio - great song, awesome video:

Some of these moments repeat, and new ones are experienced every day. They may be ordinary, but they are also magical at the same time. It's just a matter of mindfulness and perception.

What are your ordinary magical moments that make you feel alive?

Happy Belated Birthday To Me

Making the most of what life throws at me is one of my rules of survival.

Giving up isn't an option, although over the past twelve months I sometimes thought that if I died the next day, it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

But of course it would be for my son and immediate family, so I stop being dramatic and selfish and make the most of the lemons thrown at me.

On the 23rd February I turned 50. Two weeks before, my boyfriend left me.

He was supposed to take me away for my birthday, and I found myself wondering, how and with whom I would spend the day I officially turn middle-aged.

Very kindly, my ex hubby stepped in and booked us into a luxury hotel for a few days. We went with his mum and our son and had a fantastic time.

I didn't miss the man, who hurt me, but of course the pain of abandonment was present. I soothed myself with the pool, the gym, some spa treatments and delicious food and drink...most of all the company of my family.

Sounds quite cute actually.. I imagine cats doing
silly things in there...

The hotel was located in Blackpool overlooking the beach and the Irish sea.

I've never been to Blackpool before, and I must say have no intention ever to return. It's littered with amusement arcades, seedy bars and shabby little hotels to accommodate the thousands of weekend revellers flocking to the place for their own surreal version of entertainment.

The Imperial Hotel we stayed at was an oasis in the desert, a real treat. I probably had a much better time there with my family than if I'd spent it with my boyfriend.

You need a good sense of humour for Blackpool

Sometimes things are meant to be put right. Deep down I knew that celebrating my 50th birthday with a man I hardly knew was so wrong.

Instead, it was right to spend the day with the people that matter the most to me, including my ex, who is also my best friend despite everything we've been through.

I still regard us as a family, the family with two households. We didn't opt for the messy divorce, and our son is happily floating between two homes, enjoying two very different worlds and both his parents always present.

So, everything is organised and worked through. I had a great birthday considering the circumstances. Life goes on. I am blessed with loved ones, comfort and security (for now). Other people are worse off and going through darker times than me.

And yet, despite my privileged position there is that darkness inside me. And I keep going, searching for something that makes me feel alive again.

Right now I'm dealing with my pain, setting it free to liberate the woman to come. Looking myself straight in the eye at my darkest moment — and still saying yes to the person I am.

I've come a long way. I should feel settled and at ease. Instead, I feel insecure and vulnerable. But looking back at my life, I've also experienced much happiness and accomplishments.

Happy Birthday to me. Here's to the next 50 years.

Resilience

Keep going - embracing the Unknown

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. 

You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.” 

- Elizabeth Edwards


“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. 

And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. 

What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.” 

- Steve Goodier

The Point of Enough is Enough

"If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"

James Gandolfini asked Julia Roberts this question in The Mexican, a zany and at times surreal gangster comedy road movie, which I watched and enjoyed the other day.

Julia Roberts couldn't offer a satisfactory answer, and I was wondering, too.

Later in the film, when she reunited with her screen boyfriend Brad Pitt, she asked him the same question.

He answered without hesitation and if it was the most normal thing to say: "Never."

And that's probably the simple truth. As long as there is love between two people, even if they split up for some reason, it's never really over.

What would your answer be? 


And you can watch that scene here: