A New Direction - Solitude

“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. 

In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with, because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. 

I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." 
I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. 

You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" 

Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. 

Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!”
- Charles Bukowski

A few months ago I met a man just like Charles Bukowski. We went on a few dates together, but nothing more developed, until I reached crisis point and felt the urge to contact him.

I don't know why I chose him to help me lift myself up again, but I'm glad I did.

So far, he has been the only one, who didn't pounce on me, pursued me, lied to me and made empty promises to win me over. He has never - and I know he won't ever - treat me like a conquest. 

I simply feel safe with him as a friend.

Within only a short time, he changed my perception and attitude towards solitude and being consciously single rather than throwing myself into doomed love affairs. 

For the first time after two years of drifting, I'm feeling quite content.

The realisation that you need to be entirely happy on your own, being your own best friend and loving every minute of it can only come from within. You need to feel it rather than being told by others.

Sometimes, a special person helps you make that shift, not by telling you to do it, but by making you feel it. 

It can be just a brief encounter that changes everything, and the transformation begins...

The Wanderess

Freedom and independence go hand in hand with longing and uncertainty. 

When I feel the freedom and independence, it's exhilarating happiness.

When I feel the longing and uncertainty, it's brooding despair.

Balancing both extremes in a healing way takes all my strength and resilience, but after 20 years of stasis, it feels like an awakening.

It's like living on the edge: it's perilous, but the view is breathtaking.

Summer Love

“I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises.” 

“Yet what keeps me from dissolving right now into a complete fairy-tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has veritably built my bones over the last few years--I was not rescued by a prince; I was the administrator of my own rescue.”

“One must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.”

“The Bhagavad Gita—that ancient Indian Yogic text—says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection. 

So now I have started living my own life. Imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly.”

I am currently reading: Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

And I am listening to fabulous Italian Pop like this:




"The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself and shine amongst those who never believed she could." Anon


Here's to a fabulous Summer!

Sense and Sensuality

Women have come a long way since Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, and I am one of those women, who has decided to turn sensibility into sensuality.

As a child I was influenced by strong female role models in my family - my mother, paternal grandmother and aunt - who all kept advising me never to become dependent on a man and always stand on my own two feet.

Born and raised in Germany, I was lucky enough to live in a liberal household, and the 1970s women's lib movement encouraged millions of young women to live a more fulfilling life than their mothers and grandmothers did.

But of course, century-old traditions and values are hard to overturn.

Sexual liberation in the 1960s was seen as debauch and hedonistic, and even today some taboo subjects like extra-marital affairs are still met with a lot of negative judgement and condemnation.

So, despite initial free-spirited living, I opted to get married to be with the man I loved for the rest of my life.

Divorce wasn't an option for me. My parents stayed together for 47 years, until my mother died in 2001. When a distant aunt and uncle got divorced, that was frowned upon. "Why couldn't they pull themselves together?"

When the parents of one of my classmates got divorced, I felt terribly sorry for my friend. I couldn't understand, why people did that, when they once loved each other and had children together. But that was me at 13. I lived in a simple world.

Little did I know, that "for the rest of my life" can be a very long time indeed, and that people can change slowly over the years without realising.

My mother never talked to me about sex in marriage, except "Sometimes you have to do it, even if you don't feel like it." I made a mental note, that I'd never do such a thing. That of course led to the breakdown of my marriage.

During my marriage, I have tried to follow the rules and be sensible. Be faithful. Make an effort. Stick with it. Talk things through.

Still, divorce wasn't an option.

How many other couples are stuck in an unfulfilled marriage and just accept it, because sex in marriage is still a taboo subject.

How many couples admit that they have an issue, and if they do, what are they doing about it?

We were too young and ignorant to realise that despite our deep love for each other we were sexually incompatible. We didn't want to know that. We brushed it under the carpet and escaped into work, holidays, hobbies, buying houses and adopting a child.

We didn't split up, because we still got on with each other and enjoyed being together. My emotional well-being was completely depending on my husband, who was, and still is, my soulmate.

There, I said it: I was emotionally dependent on my husband.

My free-spirited personality gradually turned into a clingy and reliant shadow, and it took me twenty years to realise.

It slowly dawned on both of us that sensibility was no longer an option.

We both needed to reclaim our sensuality, but we couldn't do that together. We both had different needs and desires.

It took a great deal of courage and integrity to acknowledge our situation and act upon it.

Today we are at peace. No more pretence, no more trying. We both have different partners, but we still have love for each other.

And it works. We've found our mojo, and it feels right.

Having rediscovered and expressing my sensuality has taken me full circle. I'm the free-spirited woman I used to be in my twenties - independent, confident, passionate, liberated.

And it feels good.

Blue Moments

“There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human - in not having to be just happy or just sad - in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.”
- C. JoyBell C.

My life hasn't exactly been plain sailing in recent years. Not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.

I wonder what it would be like, if I was still living with my husband, slowly decaying in a stifling marital routine, compared to the emotional roller coaster ride of exhilarating ups and downs.

Exchanging the reassuring security and predictability of a comfort zone for an adventure into the magical realm of the unknown has come at a price.

Questions like "Is this it?" have been replaced by "What now?" and "Where do I go from here?"

I traded boredom, resentment and staleness for emotional upheaval, insecurities and doubt. But I also gained liberation, independence and authenticity along the way. It's not all bad.

I even found new love and subsequently lost it again. Unexpected and painful. I have learned quite a few lessons in love over the last three years.

Learning your life lessons; they call it "growth".  I don't think I've learned life lessons with so much awareness and mindfulness before I got to my mid forties.

Is life becoming more intense when you grow older?

Most of the time I'm a happy-go-lucky person enjoying my new found circle of friends, social life and the work I do. But then those moments of overwhelming sadness and despair overcome me.

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” 
- Mahatma Gandhi

Feelings of loss, grief and anxiety. Fear of loneliness and illness and losing a loved-one. Clearly there is unfinished business I still need to resolve.

People are quick to advise taking medication, but I decline. For me it's not just a quick hollow fix, but I also feel I'd be cheating myself.

Millions of people are on anti-depressants, and while I do believe that many do need to be on them for clinical reasons, others are taking them merely to numb life.

Yes, it's so hard to feel emotional pain and discomfort. Popping pills because a lover left me, or because I still miss my husband at times....NO.

I choose to feel every aspect of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And I've noticed that I have become stronger. Rather than crumbling emotionally after my recent dating disaster, I felt more detached and at ease.

It's perfectly okay to experience these kinds of hiccups, getting to know the nature of people without turning it into a drama or taking it personally. Rather than mortified, I was fascinated and watched in wonder the situation unfolding in front of me.

Anti-depressants can easily become just another kind of comfort zone, and many people are lost in that medically induced Matrix.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
- Jonathan Safran Foer

I choose to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and feel the magic happen. Slowly but surely.
Just like any other roller coaster ride, this one will also ease eventually.

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance.”
- Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now

What Makes You Powerfully Sexy?

You know what's really powerfully sexy? 

"A sense of humour. 

A taste for adventure. 

A healthy glow. 

Hips to grab on to. 

Openness. 

Confidence. 

Humility. 

Appetite. 

Intuition. 

Smart-ass comebacks. 

Presence. 

A quick wit. 

Dirty jokes told by an innocent-looking lady. 

A woman who realises how beautiful she is."

Courtney E. Martin

I can think of more:

Independence

Self-care

Optimism

A genuine smile.

Tolerance.

Listening.

Compassion.

Creativity.

Naughty but nice.

The ability to say f*ck without 

coming across as vulgar.

Grace.

A zest for life.

Embracing spirituality.

Inspiring others.

What do you think makes a person powerfully sexy?

Why Dating A Married Man Is Not A Good Idea

As you know from my previous post, I've started dating again after my breakup back in February.

Meeting men online is easy, but before I meet anyone of them face-to-face, they need to pass my correspondence test:

• If their spelling and grammar is bad, or they can only string a few words together in a message using "txt spk", then I'm not interested.
• Contents of their messages is also key - being polite, open and expressing compassion and genuine interest are important indications to whether these men are honest and worth meeting in person.
• And then of course, their reliability is reflected in how quickly they reply and how often and regularly they get in touch.

So, I've been dating one of these men, who passed my initial test, and I have really enjoyed my time with him.

Nothing more than holding hands and the odd kiss happened, as I was still figuring him out. And to get to know him better, I decided to visit him at his house for a cup of afternoon tea.

So glad I did. As soon as I walked into his living room, I knew he was still married and living with his family. Rather than being worried about falling into the hands of a serial killer, I nearly fell for a married man, a cheat.

He quickly admitted that he was lying on his dating profile, and also added that he was so unhappy in his marriage.

Thank the Gods I wasn't in love with him. I can only imagine the terrible dilemma women must be facing in this position being hopelessly in love with such a man.

Of course, the most sensible thing to do is to walk away from such a relationship before it's even started, and trust me, I've already turned my back on it for the following reasons:

• I don't want to be the "other woman" he can play around with
• his family will always come first (quite rightly so), and he could dump me at any moment
• I don't want to be a home wrecker and hurt innocent people (his family) in the process
• he will never leave his family, and I would never want that anyway
• I want a genuine, honest relationship with no secrets like that

Rather than blowing my top because of his deceit, I advised him to have a chat with his wife and start sorting out his marriage. He certainly won't find a solution for his marital issues in my bed.

This has also made me wonder, how to spot a married man on a dating website. Here's what I've noticed:

• they are looking for "casual relationship" as well as "serious relationship". That's a suspicious contradiction; you either want something casual or something serious. If you're serious, you don't want anything casual.
• they like to contact women, who live further away, as they want to keep the affair as far away from their home as possible.
• they don't tend to put many photos of themselves on the dating website out of fear they could be recognised by someone, who knows them

So, girlfriend, be careful out there. Don't even consider becoming a mistress and emotionally vulnerable to the whims of a man, who cheats on his wife. 

You deserve so much better.

Have you ever been involved with a married man? Share your story. I'd love to hear from you.

Good Read!

“How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode.” 

― W. Somerset Maugham, The Painted Veil


“The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone, and that's exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn't deserve that love.”
― Anirban Bose, Bombay Rains, Bombay Girls


“A love affair is like a short story--it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning was easy, the middle might drag, invaded by commonplace, but the end, instead of being decisive and well knit with that element of revelatory surprise as a well-written story should be, it usually dissipated in a succession of messy and humiliating anticlimaxes.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald